I'm Dreaming of A White Strip Christmas

The best thing about Christmas is having white teeth???
A gleaming smile is the reason for the season???


I just saw a commercial advertising whitening strips. There was a family having a wonderful time frolicking in the snow, with a closeup of a beautiful smile. Then the voice over started going on about having a white smile they'll never forget, just in time for the holidays... blah blah blah... As if there aren't enough other things to think about during the holiday season, you must also make sure you have white teeth. That above all things must be done. Forget the stockings hung by the chimney with care, forget chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Forget Joy to the World and Peace on Earth. What we need is White Teeth!

Heart On Your Shoulder

One of Kristi's classmates came to class wearing a polo emblazoned with the Cialis logo. Not quite the same as wearing your heart on your sleeve, but similar, I guess...

Pizza Pizza

Transcript of an actual conversation that took place earlier this evening:

"This couch sucks out all my ambition."


(pause)


"Maybe if Caesar would have had one of these, he'd still be alive."

Your Ceiling, My Floor

So there seems to be a slight problem in the apt. below. It would appear their ceiling is leaking. Their ceiling is my floor.

The culprit = our water heater

The solution = turn it off till we can get a new one

ETA of New Water Heater = 2 to 3 days

Date of Last Shower = Sunday

Using the information provided, answer the following question to the best of your ability.

Given that work dress code does not allow baseball hats, how grouchy will I be tomorrow morning?


Answer:
Cold showers = grouchy^10

I would have also accepted:
"grouchy to infinity,"
"She'll put Oscar to shame," or
"Realistically, it'll be more like Grungetta."

Pretty Woman vs. Cinderalla

I meant to wash dishes tonight, really I did. They've been sitting there for a little while and really need to get done. Instead I ate sat down to eat cake and got sucked into watching Pretty Woman. Guilty yes I know, but I'd never watched it before. I was too young when it came out and I wasn't allowed to watch movies where the main characters had questionable morals. Since I'm nearly 24, I figured it would be ok now.



The dishes will be there tomorrow.

Swindlers in the Oak Park Mall

My first week of work, I got taken in by two Israelis selling manicure sets.

We had taken a field trip to the Oak Park Mall. As I wandered along "comparison shopping" I saw two guys working a kiosk. They saw me. I saw them. It was too late to take evasive action. He approached me with a nail buffer and asked if he could give me a demonstration. Seeing as he already had the buffer poised above my nail, I caved.
I told him, "I already have a buffer. A green one."
He said, "Ah, green you know is the color of evil."
"Like my shirt," I said.
"Like my eyes," he replied.

His name was Gavriel and he and his friend were former paratroopers in the Israeli military. They had finished their compulsory service and were now selling manicure sets in the Oak Park Mall. He offered to sell me the whole kit, buffer, lotion, cuticle oil and file for $79. I told him no, I couldn't spend that much. He offered another deal: if I bought one, my friend could come in and get one at half price. Still no deal. As I walked away he said, "Ok. Ok. Tell you what. I'll give you my personal discount. You get the set for $30." I thought about it, figured the buffer and the lotion would be $10 separately, and the cuticle oil, probably the same, so I splurged. I bought the set and promised to tell my friends.

I've always been skeptical of mall kiosk products, but the buffer works amazingly well. I think I got a good deal. I haven't gone back to the Oak Park Mall since then, so I don't know if Gavriel is even still there, but I hope business has been good.