Paradise Lost

When we're little, our world is pretty small. As we grow older, we meet more people, see more places, we read the news, and over time we realize there are many bad things out there. And once we realize there is badness out in the world, the innocent ideals and notions we have start to fall away. But for every bad thing we see, we also see good things and people and they reaffirm our beliefs. And we come to terms with the fact that good and bad can sometimes both be present in the same place.

Like the "good Lutheran" that I am, I know that "surely I was sinful from birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." But somehow, even though I've always known I am sinful, I still had a lot of ideals and notions. I stood on the sidelines and watched other people's lives, noted the missteps and screw ups, smug in the knowledge that I would never do those things. But as time passes, everything I swore I would never do, becomes just another line item on the "things I didn't intend to-do" list at the end of a long day.

I have hurt the people I love the most. And because I love them and know them well, I know how to do maximum damage. And no, I don't sit around plotting and scheming, but words come out of my mouth, formed somewhere deep inside me and I can't stop them, most of the time I don't even try - justified by the conventional wisdom of our culture that it is good to "share our feelings." I have been impatient and rude. I have been jealous of others' good fortune. I have caused scenes and done things that I thought only crazy people did - and then I did it again. And while I can apologize for these things, I can't take them back once they've been put out in the world.

My loss of innocence came, not with the knowledge that there is evil in the world, but with the awareness of the evil in me. And like the world, I know that the all of the good ideals and notions I used to cling to still exist in me as well. It's just a heavy knowledge and I kind of miss the way things used to be.